Silent No More, Part 3

As I did in my childhood, I resolved to prove myself worthy to Kim by taking care of her and doing all she told me to do. Eventually, I noticed that others from the group were receiving “friendly” texts from Kim. Befriending her other clients and regularly texting back and forth each week, Kim made my lack of self worth go to new depths. Why wasn’t I considered a friend? Did Kim just not like me? Was I not helping her out enough? Something must be wrong with me since she didn’t want to be my friend. And contradictory thoughts: Why is Kim befriending her own clients? Doesn’t she know how wrong this is?

Again, though, I ignored my intuitions to support the greater good of the group/cult.

Around this time, Kim began talking about other clients during my sessions. I later found out that Kim had been talking about me to one of her other clients from her cult, uh, I mean support group.

My husband refers to my life as Pre-Kim and Post-Kim. Pre-Kim, I was a women’s Bible Study leader, attended church every Sunday, entertained several families in my home every week, and regularly volunteered in my children’s school. Post-Kim, I locked myself in the house every day fearful to step outside. Just stepping into a church would cause a panic attack and forget about grocery shopping. It was all I could do to pick the kids up from school and often did that still in pajamas. Panic attacks were an everyday event, sometimes lasting for many hours. Because my mind was racing from one anxious thought to another, I no longer could engage much in life. Things I used to enjoy like reading, I could not focus my mind enough to do. Even walking outside was too fearful.
Depression stalked me daily and frequently found me hiding under the covers in bed.

The Attempt to Set Boundaries

Somewhere along the path to drowning, I got a burst of courage and tried to establish boundaries with one of Kim’s clients that had been calling me regularly with emergencies. After telling this client that I was no longer going to be available to answer any of her phone calls, I received a phone call from Kim. “My other client is upset after your talk with her so it would be best if you and she meet with me in my office before our next meeting” 
“I don’t feel safe in coming into your office with the other client. The boundary I set with her was that I would see her at group and when we get together with other friends. What you are asking is not within my boundaries.” 
“But is very upset and doesn’t feel comfortable coming to group tonight” 
“I am sorry Kim but I do not feel safe seeing the two of you in your office.” 
“You guys have had a great friendship and she is just struggling now with you all of sudden setting these boundaries. She would just like to meet before group so you guys can talk through this.” 
 “I understand Kim, but I have already discussed this with her and I do not feel safe meeting with her in your office. I actually feel more comfortable coming to group tonight than I have in many months.” 

Trying to convince me to meet with her and her other client in order to smooth things over, Kim remained on the phone with me for 40 minutes. I do not know where I got the courage but I calmly told her over and over again that I would not be doing that. It is interesting to note that she never asked me why I didn’t feel safe meeting in her office under these circumstances. 

Being deceptively strong, a web is built to capture prey so the builder of the web can suck the life out of them. All the intricacies of the web that Kim had conceived and weaved were about to rip through each of her clients lives. The thing about webs is they are deceptively strong and are built to capture their prey so the builder of the web can suck the life out of the captured. She had already sucked the life out of me. Once things started to unravel for Kim, she started working even harder to keep her prey stuck to her. 

She told one client that if she was going to continue to meet with someone outside the group to read the book Betrayal Bonds then she would have to stop seeing her for counseling. But, Kim added, if she chose to stop reading that book then Kim would see her for free twice a week. She then offered to buy another client some work clothes.