Part 5

Trying to Get Back Into the Family

Because I was no longer seeing Kim, this meant I was no longer welcome in the family. I tried to hold on to the friendships by meeting them after their support group at Starbucks but a dull awful ache was always present in my heart…like a stab wound that wouldn’t heal. Unfortunately, I mentioned to A that I wished Kim cared about me. Without me knowing it, she took the initiative to email Kim and encourage her to reach out to me and pursue me. In a few days, I received a page long email from Kim, not apologizing for all the pain she had caused, not about using me to meet her own needs, but to tell me we needed to get back to what we do best, counseling and healing from past abuse. I was so shaken when I received it. But, I kept my composure as I replied by email saying that after much prayer I was going to be seeking counseling from someone else.

That evening, as I was waiting to meet a fellow group member at Starbucks, I realized that group had ended a while ago but this member still wasn’t at the coffee house. I went to the lobby of Kim’s office and found this friend sitting on the floor with Kim who was crying. Because this friend was the young lady that Kim had started using as she had used me, I stayed there until Kim’s husband picked her up (Kim told us that her husband had forgotten to pick her up). After Kim left, my friend shared with me that Kim had showed A’s email to her as well as my email. My friend was very angry at me that I would upset Kim in that way.

That night I sent Kim an email asking her how it was ethical for her to share my email with Z. In reply, two days later, she sent a three page letter to A, Z, and myself telling us she had a bad day on Thursday when she broke our confidence but now she was going to go to counseling once a month and start to get massages to help the problem. She tells us that because she was “feeling defeated, confused, and weary at the end of the day…I listened to some of the enemy’s lies and chose to forget my pledge and duty as a professional counselor”. She goes on to tell us that she studied the ethical codes for counselors and concluded that her actions in asking Z to check on A were perfectly sound “despite Kelly saying otherwise”. She further disparages me by telling them that my actions in asking another counselor for perspective on this matter was wrong and that I was not truthful in what I shared with them. Kim assures us that she will improve her health so as to make sure this will not happen again. She promises to get more massages, exercise more, and get better sleep. She then closes with “I have been a counselor since 1987 and ironically, due to some great training at my graduate school, I was promoted to a supervisory position after less than 6 months on the job. Why? Because apparently I had earned a reputation as a clinically skilled and highly ethical clinician…tonight I think of that promotion and the supervisory jobs I have held at each place since, and I am completely humbled and saddened that I could allow myself to be so seduced by the Enemy’s lies as to create so much pain as I did on “Black Thursday”. She then wishes us a Happy Easter!

 I receive this email and my pain explodes into a flood of tears, knowing that there was not to be healing in this for me. I didn’t think the pain could be greater than what I was already carrying but evidently so. I wail for many hours not knowing where to go with the pain or how it was going to heal.


Many days later I resolve that the only way the pain can be managed was to surely admit that all the mistakes were mine. I make an appointment with Kim and there apologize for all my many mistakes. I am unable to raise my eyes to hers the entire session. She thought it would be helpful to me if I acknowledge all the people I have hurt since March 18. I include my boys and husband (neglecting them), etc. At the end of the session, I am still not able to look at her. She asks if I have anything to apologize to her about. She tells me I was wrong to send her my email. When I don’t respond, she suggests it might be easier for me if I email her a list of things that I had done to her. During my son’s next appointment with her (yes, my sons were also seeing her every week) she hands me a Charles Stanley book and tells me that she is thinking about using it for our support group. She says that as she was reading the first chapter of the book she thought of me. The first chapter was on Pride. I realized the pain in staying was greater than the pain in leaving.